January 27th, 2011

(no subject)

 He's haunting me again. Thoughts, dreams, fears. 

The secrecy about what happened felt so vital for a while. I had to involve healthcare professionals because of the internal injuries, but beyond them only a very select few people knew. This week I told another friend - you know who you are :) - and I am starting to actually want to tell others. Only one or two, and not the ones that would normally spring to mind, but for some reason they feel like important people to tell.

But him, the bastard, I can't shake him off. I feel less like he's still in my body, but he seems embedded in my mind. Wondering about his motivations. How planned it was. How many times he's done it. Whether the consensual sex first was all part of the plan, so I would be less likely to report it. What his real name was. 

It's been 4 months and a few days. I wouldn't think badly of a friend if she wasn't over it after that amount of time. But I'm so impatient regarding myself. I don't WANT to think about it, to think about him. But just as he forced his way in then, he forces his way in now. And I doubt I've crossed his mind at all. I didn't matter, it didn't matter whether it was me or another woman. He wanted the power and the access to the cunt. I was just an awkward addition to the situation.