victimstatus (victimstatus) wrote,

I freaked out yesterday. I had a back massage, and she was doing some really deep work on a series of big knots. It was painful, but nothing I couldn't cope with. I thought I should tell her it was painful, not necessarily so she would stop, just so she was aware. But I couldn't speak. I was lying there, trying, but nothing would come out of my mouth. I started to feel out of control - I didn't even want her to stop, but I realised that if I did, I wouldn't be able to say so. Then I stopped being able to feel her hands. I could feel, on the inside of my body, what she was doing, but I couldn't feel her on the surface of my skin.

Then I dissociated. Not just a little 'drifting off' either, but a complete disappearance. I'm not sure how long I was 'out', but I came back when she was finishing the massage and being more gentle again.

She's been my massage therapist for a long time, so afterwards I was able to tell her that I had dissociated, and we talked a bit about what had happened just beforehand, so that I would know in future how to spot it. Since getting home I have been thinking of talking with her about setting up a 'safe word', like in BDSM, if I can't say stop, but I can say something. I'm sure she'd be open to that. I completely trust her, and it's not surprising that a massage, especially a painful one, could trigger something like this off, but I'm pissed off that the bastard is still affecting me in this way.
Tags: massage, rape

  • (no subject)

    I don't check LJ very often these days, but lately I've been actively avoiding it. When the rape happened I made a concerted effort to not…

  • (no subject)

    I've got through a few more days. I think this is how it will be for a while, so got to keep getting through them. I'm full of anger and rage. It's…

  • (no subject)

    It won't go away, it's all I can think about. Again. Well that, and dying. I hoped that by doing the 'right' things and telling a few people almost…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.