victimstatus (victimstatus) wrote,
victimstatus
victimstatus

I freaked out yesterday. I had a back massage, and she was doing some really deep work on a series of big knots. It was painful, but nothing I couldn't cope with. I thought I should tell her it was painful, not necessarily so she would stop, just so she was aware. But I couldn't speak. I was lying there, trying, but nothing would come out of my mouth. I started to feel out of control - I didn't even want her to stop, but I realised that if I did, I wouldn't be able to say so. Then I stopped being able to feel her hands. I could feel, on the inside of my body, what she was doing, but I couldn't feel her on the surface of my skin.

Then I dissociated. Not just a little 'drifting off' either, but a complete disappearance. I'm not sure how long I was 'out', but I came back when she was finishing the massage and being more gentle again.

She's been my massage therapist for a long time, so afterwards I was able to tell her that I had dissociated, and we talked a bit about what had happened just beforehand, so that I would know in future how to spot it. Since getting home I have been thinking of talking with her about setting up a 'safe word', like in BDSM, if I can't say stop, but I can say something. I'm sure she'd be open to that. I completely trust her, and it's not surprising that a massage, especially a painful one, could trigger something like this off, but I'm pissed off that the bastard is still affecting me in this way.
Tags: massage, rape
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